Wanting vs. Having

Most of us spend more time than we might like to admit wishing for something to be different in our relationships. We want more engagement, less fighting, more sex, less distance, more intimacy, less time watching TV, more appreciation, less criticism, more dates, fewer nights at home alone, more communication, less silence, etc.

Bigger, better, faster, more

We don’t just want our relationships to be different. We want our lives to be different, too. We want a bigger house, a faster computer, more money, more clothes, more vacations, a healthier body, a younger look, and lots of better, newer stuff.

We are so accustomed to wishing and longing for more and different - whether in our relationship, work, money, kids, body, etc. - that we don't even recognize that we are spending our precious lives in a state of constant wanting. This wanting manifests in our experience as unhappiness, dissatisfaction, boredom or loneliness. We feel like we are missing or lacking something important.  

There is something I realized a long time ago that has proven to be pivotal for living a fulfilling and happy life:

Wanting and having cannot exist in the same space at the same time.

I think of life as a house with two rooms, the Wanting Room and the Having Room. The Having Room is the room in which we are engaged in life and love.  

Life is a house with two rooms

Just like in a real house, you are either in one room or the other; you cannot be in two rooms at the same time.

Unfortunately, when we want our lives to be different and the people around us to change, we are in the Wanting Room.  

When we are in the Wanting Room, we inevitably produce unhappiness for ourselves because we don’t have what we want. Think about it … the mere wanting of anything is a declaration that you don’t have it. Our focus on lack and what is missing keeps us from noticing and appreciating what we have. It throws us into a state of resistance to our current reality and leads us to believe we are powerless victims stuck in unwanted situations, unable to powerfully create what we want.  

The Having Room, on the other hand, is where we get to enjoy experiences, where we harvest and partake in the fruits of our labor, where we appreciate what we have and count our blessings. It’s the difference between wishing we had an apple, and actually biting into an apple and enjoying the blast of taste and sensation as we do it.

Life is just better when you occupy the Having Room. So how can you do that? We’ll give some ideas here and share a few real-life examples.

How to shift from wanting to having

One way to shift from Wanting to Having is to take notice of and express your gratitude and appreciation for what you do have, even if you have very little. What is working in your relationship? What do you adore about your partner? What would you miss about your spouse if he or she suddenly vanished? What do you take for granted that you are grateful for? Then tell them.

Another way to shift from Wanting to Having is to ask the question, “If I already had what I wanted, what would I do or say right now?” This question tricks your mind into imagining that you already have what you want and brings to mind actions that you can take right now that are consistent with what you want to create for yourself. When you take those actions, you step into having the experience that you were longing for in the Wanting Room.

For example, if you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship and you want more connection with your partner, you can ask yourself, “If I were connected and intimate with my partner, what would I do or say right now?” Trust me, an answer will pop up in your mind. This question will move you towards creating more intimacy with your partner and thrust you into the Having Room.

At one of our workshops, a woman was angry with her husband for something he said that triggered her. She missed the close connection they shared before he said it and was now in the Wanting Room feeling disconnected from her man. When we asked her what she would do if she felt close and connected like before, she said she would go over to him and put her head on his shoulder and her hand on his knee. So we encouraged her to do that. As soon as she sat down next to him, her face lit up like a light bulb and a smile spread across her face. She was back in the Having Room (and you can imagine how he responded to that gesture:-).  

A single woman called me for coaching, very distraught and lonely after her last relationship ended. She had a hard time getting out of bed and she was scared she’d never find love again. She was solidly anchored in the Wanting Room. During our conversation, I asked her, “If you knew you were going to be fine, and you would definitely find love again with a wonderful man, what might you do right now?” Her first response was, “I’d get out of bed and go to the gym!” 

Just like that, back in the Having Room (and sure, this does not fix or deal with her entire situation, but it’s definitely a vast improvement over being in bed, depressed).

Everything you want is in the Having Room

To be clear, wanting isn’t bad. That is where the best of our creative ideas shows up! Wanting is the start of any improvement in life. You just don’t want to get stuck in wanting! Only be there long enough to uncover what you want to create. Use your wanting to connect you to your desires and dreams. Then use that discovery to spark and move you into having, into action.

Everything you want - all of the connection, love, peace, fulfillment and joy you desire - lives in the Having Room.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.