The holiday season is upon us. It’s all about food, fun, and family. Oh, and wishing for stuff. Lots of stuff. In our family, wish lists are currently being exchanged (What! A $200 sweater! A $900 computer screen! I think I'm going to faint:-)
Wishes of the heart
What doesn’t appear on these wish lists are wishes of the heart; the kind of wishes that can’t be bought on Amazon, like better health, world peace, a loving family, or the one we most hear about in our work, a perfect relationship.
If only Santa would grant those kinds of wishes, eh? You could sit on his lap (ok, that’s weird, just sit next to him), and spell out what you dream of. “I want my partner to lavish me with attention”. “Make my husband stop using the kitchen towels to wash his face”. “I want to be a tantric sex god in the eyes of my girlfriend”. “I want to find a partner who’s the perfect match in every way and we’ll never argue”.
If only …
Perfection is hard to come by
Most of the time, most of us are mature enough to know perfection is hard to come by in relationships. It’s as our friend Frederick said in his book, Turds of Wisdom, “Any lover is going to become problematic in ways you’ve never foreseen, no matter how compatible you both were initially”.
We have seen this story play out a million times. When you first get together, your partner seems, if not perfect, then pretty damn close (who cares about dandruff when we’re showering together twice a day). But two, five, or ten years later, your partner presents issues you didn’t see coming, and definitely didn’t sign up for.
Some examples from couples or singles we’ve coached:
My partner is obsessed with health issues. He’s seeing health threats everywhere; it’s impossible to relax around him.
My partner stopped wanting to have sex … like, just turned off!
He’s all talk and no action – I can’t get him to follow through on anything around the house.
She’s become such a worrier. She worries about our kids, our finances, our health. Even though we’re fine! It’s depressing.
Maybe you have your own examples?
More wishing than working
Certainly, all these issues are worthy of examination and growth efforts. But one of the main glitches for many of us is that we do more wishing than working when it comes to addressing our troubles. We wish for our partners to "get the memo" and improve their behavior. We wish things will get better (without too much effort). We wish we won't have to change anything drastically. But as the old adage goes, “you can wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first!”
This holiday, instead of wishing for an improved relationship, or a more meaningful holiday experience, take action to create something different! Learn new communication skills. Take on a project together. Purchase a game that offers thought-provoking questions to answer in a pairing or group for creating more intimacy and connection (there’s even a Danish inspired one we like, The Hygge Game). Create interactive experiential games to play that foster engagement and interaction. Change up your holiday rituals to include something unexpected and heartfelt. We might say, Don't just wish - do!
And if you need focused support to improve a struggling relationship, give yourself or a loved one the gift of coaching support or one of our online courses. Gift Certificates are available upon request.
In the magnanimous spirit of the holidays, we’d like to offer you a slightly modified version of the Serenity Prayer that you can use as your wish for Santa:
“Grant me the serenity to accept my partner as s/he is, the courage to look in the mirror and change the things I can, and the wisdom to know which problems I can live with and which I need to call a coach for.”
Happy Holidays!
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.
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