“I have noticed some tension between us”.
After working together on a men’s weekend, a friend of mine sent me this message. His courage to reach out and make that statement was completely refreshing, since it would have been ever so easy to just let it go and forget about it (more on that later).
"We need to talk!"
In your own relationships, have you noticed how quickly tension can surface in conversations with your partner, sometimes over small things? Maybe when your partner says, “We need to talk.” Maybe when you're discussing money, parenting, chores, or weekend plans. Have you noticed your chest tighten, your breath quicken, or your shoulders stiffen?
Many of us interpret tension as a negative sign—a warning that something's gone wrong. I know from coaching couples how often tension triggers defensive reactions, withdrawal, or quick attempts to smooth things over to restore peace as fast as possible.
But what if tension isn’t always bad news? What if tension points you toward something important, something valuable hidden beneath the surface that's waiting patiently for your attention?
Tension usually arises when there's something meaningful we haven't yet understood or fully expressed—an unmet need, a fear, or a deeper longing. When we view tension as something to avoid or suppress, we miss the deeper message it's trying to convey. But when we view tension as a guide, as an invitation into deeper intimacy and understanding, it becomes one of our greatest relationship allies.
Relaxing into Tension: A Key to Deeper Intimacy
At LoveWorks, we often say that learning how to relax inside high states of tension is a key skill for creating deeper intimacy—and for avoiding emotional blowups.
Why does relaxing matter so much?
When tension arises, your nervous system automatically initiates fight, flight, or freeze responses. Your body naturally braces against discomfort, tightening muscles, restricting breathing, and reducing your capacity to communicate clearly and compassionately. It’s in this state we often say or do things we later regret.
However, if you can consciously learn to relax even slightly when tension arises, you'll find yourself far more able to stay curious, open-hearted, and present. Relaxation in this context doesn't mean pretending the tension isn't there, nor does it mean you're "okay" with feeling upset. Instead, it means choosing not to resist or fight against what's happening inside you or between you and your partner.
By cultivating the ability to relax inside tension, you create enough internal space to explore what's really happening beneath the discomfort. This simple but profound practice prevents small tensions from escalating into larger conflicts and turns emotional discomfort into a doorway to deeper connection.
Practical Steps for Exploring Relationship Tension
Next time you notice tension arising in your interactions, try these practical experiments:
1. Name and State the Tension
Instead of silently enduring or reacting defensively, name the tension openly. Calmly acknowledge:
“I notice tension in my body.
“I notice tension rising between us right now.”
“It feels tense—can we pause for a moment?”
Naming the tension immediately reduces anxiety and creates space for mutual curiosity.
This is exactly what my friend did after we’d worked together over the weekend. He named the tension. We then got on the phone, had a conversation about what was behind the tension, and we worked out what we could do differently. In the process, we deepened our trust and mutual respect and ended the interaction with a smile.
2. Practice Relaxing Your Body in Real-Time
Take a slow, deep breath. Allow your shoulders to soften, your jaw to unclench, your breath to deepen slightly. Even a tiny amount of relaxation shifts your nervous system away from fight-or-flight, making deeper dialogue possible. You might even gently remind yourself:
“I can relax and stay present here.”
“Tension isn't dangerous; it’s just information.”
3. Get Curious and Explore
With a calmer body and mind, invite curiosity about the tension you're experiencing. Ask yourself and your partner gentle questions:
“What deeper feeling or need might be beneath this tension?”
“What might be important here that we’re missing?”
“What would help me or you feel safe to share what we're experiencing right now?”
Curiosity dissolves defensiveness and opens the door to genuine intimacy and understanding.
Remember, tension is not something you need to fear or avoid. It's simply a signal pointing directly toward the deeper connection you both long for. By learning to relax and explore tension rather than fight against it, you'll find that every difficult moment holds the potential for deeper intimacy and growth.
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.