This week, we heard two similar stories from previous clients, but with very different conclusions: one couple got even more connected and committed and the other split up.
The contrast between these two relationship conflicts is a powerful illustration of what can happen when you use effective, direct communication skills and when you don’t.
To set the stage, both couples have been dating for about six months. Both had a relationship conflict show up this week. And both women approached their distancing partners to clear things up.
Tisha’s story
Tisha had noticed a change in her boyfriend Damian's communications. He responded less to her texts, didn’t keep his promises to call or meet for dinner, and had quit initiating sex or dates. She was confused about what was happening and requested to meet to clear things up.
And that’s about as far as it got. He had clearly gotten triggered about something, but all her subsequent attempts to have a conversation and clarify what happened went nowhere. He kept hold of his triggers and resentment. He was not willing to talk about it or look for a resolution. They split up soon after.
Claire’s story
Claire had also noticed her boyfriend Alex distancing more than usual. In her mind, he was giving mixed messages. He came close, then backed off. He seemed scared to move forward in their new relationship even though he said otherwise.
Before she approached him, Claire put some thought into how she would communicate with him. It was the first time she was bringing up a difficult topic to him and she was scared about how it would go.
She wanted to make sure that she worked through her own triggers first, so that her communication with him was free of blame, criticism or making him wrong. She got her feelings out at home on her own. As she did, she noticed the kinds of things she was saying to uncover her own fears and make-ups. She talked with a safe friend to further explore her thoughts and desires. And then she thought about what outcome she wanted to produce and how to best communicate with him.
When she told us the story afterwards, she was so proud because, as she said, “I used all the coaching tools I learned from you”.
Model conflict conversation
Here’s how their conversation went (spoiler: It’s a near model-perfect communication; we were proud of them too:-)
Claire had first cleared with Alex that it was a good time, so they were both ready.
Claire: “I’ve noticed you seem to give me mixed messages lately. I’m curious about that … ? ”
Pause. (Alex was thinking.)
Alex: “Can you give me some examples?”
Claire: [She gave him four different examples …]
Alex: “Wow, you’re right, I totally have been giving you mixed messages!”
Claire: “What do you think that’s about?”
Alex: “I guess I’ve been worried that as we got closer, you’d get more controlling, and I’d lose the last piece of my freedom. That’s what normally happens”.
Claire: “And have you seen examples of me doing that?”
Pause. (Alex was thinking.)
Alex: “No, actually I haven’t! But that’s what my ex always did, and I guess I projected that fear onto you”.
The next day Alex sent Claire a text that said, “Yeah for us; we navigated our first conflict gracefully:-)”
Boyfriend power
Interestingly, Tisha and Claire both tried to do the same thing, that is, initiate a conversation to clear up a trigger. But it was the response of their respective boyfriends that determined what happened next. Damian’s reaction shut down the possibility of a clearing, and he left the relationship still hanging on to whatever triggers he had.
Claire and Alex, on the other hand, left the conversation with greater insight, a deeper understanding of themselves, and a deeper intimate connection. They reaped the rewards and possibilities that arise with excellent communication.
Loving, effective communication
Here are some of the effective communication tools they used:
Approach with curiosity, not accusation. Claire didn’t accuse Alex of anything (like, “you clearly have a problem with commitment!”) She made an observation and was curious about his experience.
Suspend judgment till you have more information. Neither Claire nor Alex jumped to conclusions until they gathered more information from each other.
Check out your make-ups. Alex was making up Claire would get controlling, but he was willing to check it against reality and acknowledge it was just his own projections.
Ask for, and give, specific examples. Alex asked a great question, “Can you give me examples?” Instead of what we often see, a triggered defense reaction such as, “Mixed messages, what you are you talking about!?”
They turned towards each other. When Claire brought up this topic, they moved in closer to continue the conversation, and stayed there till it was complete (versus shutting down, turning away, or dismissing, e.g. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”).
Conflicts have gifts. Claire said she never forget that we taught her conflicts come with gifts. They teach us about the internal conflicts that we project onto each other. This is what allowed her to approach the whole issue with curiosity; she just assumed there’d be a gift for her inside it. And there was. They cleared up a potential rift and, in the process, got closer and deepened their budding trust.
Even better, they got to score a victory from their first conflict, proving once again that conflicts have gifts … if you know how to use them!
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see if we can help you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.
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