How Much Do You Disagree?

Recently, I’ve coached several couples dealing with disagreements in their relationship. For these couples, their disagreements was followed by frustration, anger, and hurt. They were looking for better ways to resolve agreements and understanding their dynamic.

Natural disagreements

It’s not surprising in the least that you have disagreements with your partner. It’s a natural function of two people with different styles, viewpoints, needs, and preferences coming together. Any successful couple needs to learn strategies and tools to communicate around disagreements and reach workable solutions.

In this post, I’ll focus on a slightly different angle when it comes to disagreements. I'll break down an example from one of the couples I worked with and even question how much they actually disagreed.

Disagreements about aging parents

Mark and Alyssa disagreed on how to take care of her aging mother. Specifically, her mom wanted them to come spend a weekend to help with a list of chores she couldn’t handle herself. So Mark and Alyssa had some planning to do: when to schedule the weekend, what plane tickets to get, what to do with their two kids, etc. But they kept getting stopped by disagreements, and the longer they waited to decide the details of the trip, the more stressed they felt.

Alyssa thought Mark was dragging his feet about getting plane tickets and making arrangements for the kids. She was triggered and said, “You don’t even care about helping my mom; I feel like I’m alone here!” He got triggered by her (in his view) constant nagging to get things done, to which he said, “I know what I’m doing! You don’t even trust me to buy plane tickets – really!?”

Of course, they didn't like being called "uncaring" or "nagging", so they'd argue about that. Meanwhile, they were no closer to sorting out their trip.

This was a common dynamic in their relationship. She often felt he wasn’t a team player and she was alone. He often thought she didn’t trust his decisions and questioned his motives. To be sure, this is an important dynamic to address.

As I listened to them talk, however, it struck me that in their triggered state, they weren’t noticing how much they actually agreed on the important points of this situation.

How much do you actually disagree?

Turns out, when I asked, they both agreed that …

• They should help her mom.

• It was a good idea to make this weekend trip to her mom’s.

• They wanted to make it fun for the kids.

• Plane tickets needed to get booked.

• They generally worked hard together to make their family work, including helping her mom and his parents.

In Mark and Alyssa’s minds, they disagreed on all these plans and tasks. When I reflected back to them all the things I heard them speak about in the same way (the bullet list above), they were taken aback, in a good way. Because they’d been so colored by their triggers, their anger and frustration made it seem as if they disagreed on everything.

Two separate issues

In any fight or disagreement, in order to see it clearly, we have to slow down the process so we can take it apart. In this example, they realized there were two different issues at play. One, the planning and handling of a visit to her mom’s. Two, each of them getting triggered and angry in the process. Slowing it down this way (with a little help from me) allowed them to see their triggers really had nothing to do with disagreements over planning a trip.

Now they could handle the logistics of the trip without getting stopped. Additionally, they could help themselves and each other look at their triggers. Note that their triggers are connected to beliefs that “she doesn’t trust me” (for Mark) and “he doesn’t care about us” (for Alyssa). These triggers can happen anytime, around any topic, and should certainly be looked at. But in terms of our discussion, the triggers simply gave the appearance of a big disagreement that didn’t exist.

So next time you have a disagreement, slow down the process and have a talk about how much you actually disagree. If you’re anything like Mark and Alyssa, perhaps you got triggered, but you don’t actually disagree about the topic at hand.

If you need a little help, reach out to us for a free coaching conversation.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.