A while back, I was coaching a couple, let’s call them Mike and Lulu. They were stuck in a cycle that looked like this:
Lulu would share something that was bothering her—one example was how Mike never seemed to initiate date nights anymore.
And Mike, feeling criticized, would shoot back, “That’s not true! I planned our anniversary dinner!” Then Lulu would get frustrated that he wasn’t listening, and Mike would shut down, thinking, “Why bother? Just can’t win with her.”
I tell him exactly what I mean!
By the time they started coaching with me, they were both exhausted of this dynamic. “I don’t get it,” Lulu said. “I tell him exactly what’s on my mind, but it’s like I’m talking to a wall.”
Which lead me to share a principle we often use in our teaching: The meaning of your communication is what your listener does with your words.
Lulu was at first baffled by this idea. She said, “Wait—so you’re saying that even though I’m being totally clear, if he reacts badly, it’s my fault!?”
Not exactly. This idea isn’t about blame—it’s about impact. If your goal is to get through to your partner, then what matters most is not what you meant to say, but how they actually received it.
Communication Is a Mirror, Not a Weapon
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking I just need to say this louder, explain it better, or repeat it again and again. But if your listener isn’t responding the way you hope, it’s a sign that your words might not be landing the way you think.
It’s like walking up to a vending machine, pressing a button, and getting the wrong snack. You could keep pounding the same button harder—or you could step back and try a different one.
Your communication style is a mirror, not a weapon. It reflects back to you what’s working and what’s not. If you’re not getting the response you want, change the way you speak—not just the volume. (Of course, you hope your partner would do the same thing with you, but you can't always ensure that).
When Lulu changed how she approached Mike—saying, “I really miss when you used to plan things for us” , instead of “You never initiate dates anymore!”—he was suddenly more open. Instead of getting defensive, he heard the longing in her words and wanted to respond to it.
Same topic. Different delivery. Better result.
How to Apply This in Your Own Relationship
If you’re stuck in a frustrating communication loop, here are three things to try:
Pay attention to what actually happens when you speak. Forget what should happen. If your words are consistently triggering defensiveness or shutting down conversation, take that as useful data and experiment with a new approach.
Check your tone and framing. Are you coming across as accusatory, even unintentionally? Try shifting from “You never listen to me” to “I really want to feel heard.”
Ask your partner what they heard. Just because you said it doesn’t mean they understood it the way you intended. Try asking, “What did you hear me say just now?” and see if it matches what you meant. If not, rephrase and try again.
At the end of the day, your goal isn’t just to speak—it’s to connect and convey a message. And connection starts when your words land in a way your partner can actually receive.
So if you feel like you’re talking, but not getting through, don’t just turn up the volume. Change the station.
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.
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