A woman reached out to us regarding “caving in the face of conflict”.
Reading those words, it’d be very tempting to tell her, “Well, you just need to stand up for yourself!”.
But before we jump to that conclusion, let’s have a look at why so many of us avoid conflicts and what we might do about it.
Avoiding conflicts
When leading our Gift of Conflict workshops for couples and singles, we’d ask every participant what their dominant response was in conflicts. We gave them three options: fight, flight, or freeze. Over the years we’ve had over a thousand participants answer that question. Based on those informal ‘surveys’, I’d say half to three-quarters of all of us tend to avoid conflict in our relationships.
But why? We all know there are long-term consequences to “sweeping it under the rug”. Inevitably, over time the pile under the rug becomes so big someone trips over it. That is, tension and resentment build up to a point where it can’t be contained. In relationship that can show up in various ways:
Someone finally explodes in anger.
The tension comes out as passive-aggressive digs and barbs.
Intimacy dwindles and you become cold and distant with each other.
One or both of you get unhappy enough to leave.
Or perhaps you keep sucking it up, keeping all the tension inside and producing secondary symptoms like migraines, back pain, or illness.
Either way, it’s not good for you in the long run.
Real benefits
Avoiding conflicts is not all bad, however. Sometimes, it’s the smart choice made by a wise person. We probably all know that friend or colleague who somehow gets embroiled in every possible conflict and it just looks exhausting!
From our clients we hear three main reasons to avoid conflict:
Peace
Futility
Fear
Keeping the peace
First, keeping the peace. For some, it’s of paramount importance to have a harmonious environment in the family or relationship. Given the choice, wouldn’t most of us pick peaceful over conflicted? Peace just feels better than conflict or intensity. I’m coaching a couple who fight a lot and they’ve become very aware of the negative impacts on their children from their lack of peace.
Waste of time
Secondly, getting into conflicts can seem futile, a total waste of time, energy, and effort. If you’ve gone through the same argument a hundred times with no result, it’s easy to see the appeal of avoiding the 101st iteration. From our clients over 20 years we’ve heard so many conflicts that repeat endlessly, from how to do the dishes properly, to how often sex happens, or how strictly to discipline the kids, to name a few. And you’re right, it is futile to repeat the same conflicts without results. The sense of futility is your sign to start learning new ways to handle conflicts (see below).
Conflicts are scary
The third major reason is fear. Conflicts are scary, at least to some. Conflicts can be emotionally intense and trigger memories of past conflicts that hurt you, either from your current relationship or from your childhood. It’s entirely common to be afraid of your partner’s anger or intensity. This is true for men and women alike. Obviously, if you’re in physical danger from your partner’s anger it’s smart to avoid the conflict (and the partner!) I can remember, in an early relationship, being afraid of my girlfriend’s anger and I was a full foot taller and 70 lbs heavier than her! We had a client, a karate teacher with a black belt, who said, “Give me a group of thugs any day, no problem. But when my wife gets mad a me, I shrink into the wall!”
All this to say we shouldn’t dismiss avoiding conflict as simply a weakness that needs to be overcome. Sometimes avoiding conflict is the wise choice for yourself and your relationship and family. At the same time, avoiding conflicts can absolutely be a weakness and have negative consequences over time, as mentioned in the first part of this post.
What to do next
Here are a few ideas.
1. Do the opposite
Ask yourself, do you reflexively avoid conflicts or jump right into them?
If you reflexively avoid them, challenge yourself to stay in the conflict a bit longer and see if you can make yourself more comfortable with the intensity. This has been my path in life; I’m a reflexive avoider so I’ve had to train myself to get more comfortable with conflict. Conversely, if you tend to join (or make) conflicts reflexively, see if you can hold back and take a breather before acting.
2. Learn new strategies,
Learn different ways to communicate and deal with conflicts. Very often, when the same conflicts repeat endlessly, you just don’t have the right tools and strategies to discuss them and resolve them. It's the lack of proper tools and skills that makes it seem futile. We have several mini-classes devoted to conflict (see the Conflict Resolution section on this page), such as How to Deal with Triggers, How to De-escalate Conflicts and many more.
3. Get facilitation
Find a coach or therapist to help guide and facilitate your conflicts. Many of our clients, both couples and individuals, come to us to get help having difficult conversations and work through sticky situations. If you’re having the same conflicts over and over, you can be pretty sure you won’t solve them without support (or you would have already, right?)
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see if we can help you.
Until then, here’s to engaging or avoiding conflicts in just the right amounts for you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.
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