Are You Un-satisfiable in your Relationship?

“See! You never do this!”

A woman we coached was working on her marriage. She and her husband had become distant and estranged, to the point of sleeping in different bedrooms and having very little communication outside logistics around parenting.

An olive branch of connection

Both of them still wanted to revive their intimacy and connection and be a happy couple again. Hence, in coaching she decided she would experiment with taking some initiative towards her husband, essentially extending an olive branch of possible connection.

One night, she slipped out of bed and went to his bedroom. She gently lifted his cover and snuck in beside him to cuddle and who knew, maybe more? When he felt her beside him, he turned and exclaimed, “See! You never do this! We never have any intimacy; you don’t even care about me anymore!”

Reacting from hurt

She was shocked and hurt to have her olive branch greeted with a chainsaw. In no time they were fighting, and she went back to her bed.

Hearing this story, it’s obvious to see that his response isn’t going to get him, or them, any closer to intimacy; quite the contrary.

Why would he react like that? Why wouldn’t he say, “I’m so glad you’re here” and cuddle up with this wife?

We’ve see this counter-productive reaction so often. He reacts that way because he’s already hurt and angry that he hasn’t gotten his needs met for a long time; that they don’t share intimate moments anymore, and that she (in his version), “doesn’t care about him anymore”. He’s become so used to seeing himself as unwanted and uncared for by his wife that he’s now talking and reacting from that place of pain.

Our minds are powerful. When you, as this man, live inside a story that you’re unloved and unwanted, you won’t even see the evidence that you are loved when it crawls in your bed!

It’s like an extreme case of being stuck in a half-empty glass. Even as his wife is attempting to fill the glass, he’s objecting and arguing for the glass still being half empty.

He has, in effect, become un-satisfiable.

Are you un-satisfiable?

To be clear, it’s perfectly understandable why they both would feel hurt and think themselves uncared for after a prolonged period of disconnection and fighting. But in those circumstances, it’s even more important to look for, and receive, any type of olive branch.

I explained it like this to another client in a similar situation: Imagine you want a million dollars. You’ve wanted a million dollars for a long time, and you’ve haven’t gotten it. It’s really important to you. You’re angry and disappointed you haven’t gotten it yet. You feel you should have gotten it.

Then, someone offers you $50. What do you do? Do you reject it, saying, “Don’t insult me, that’s not a million bucks; get out of here!” Or do you take the $50, knowing it’s a step closer to your million bucks?

When things get tough, do you, in your hurt, reject your partner’s hand and make yourself un-satisfiable? Or do you look for, and let yourself receive, any sign of progress and goodwill? Only one of those options will bring you closer to the relationship you want. Choose wisely.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.