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Podcast

#14

LoveWorks Podcast

Ep 14: How To Make A Woman Happy

9 tips and insight on how to make and keep a woman happy. But before I say another word, here’s a very big disclaimer … and I’m going to get this out of the way, so I don’t have to preface every statement with another disclaimer, and thus bore you to death!

Whenever we talk about what women like or what men like, or how women or men think, and so on, we’re always generalizing. Which means, it’s not true for everyone. If you’re a woman listening, you might hear me say that women love this or that thing, and you might not relate to it at all, that’s to be expected and totally fine. Also, because I say that women like this or that, it doesn’t mean that men wouldn’t also like the same thing. As a very real example, you’ll hear me say that women have a huge priority and desire for connection. That does not mean that men don’t also desire connection … I for one want that very much. But in contrast to my wife, connection is not my primary desire and I’m am not nearly as motived by it as Sonika, and many women with her, is. Also, as part of the disclaimer … I’m a straight male married to a women, so that’s the vantage point I’m speaking from. 

Let’s dive in …

I was coaching a man the other day who told me his girlfriend and him were in a breakdown. His girlfriend had said to him, “well, you convince me why we should be together”. He said, as the logical, good-natured, speak-the-truth kinda man he is, he said, “I don’t think I should have to convince you – we should both want to be here because we like each other”.

That didn’t go over very well.

In matters of love and intimacy, when you are a man in relationship with a woman, much of the time you cannot expect to make success with your own way of thinking. In this example, my client’s answer is perfectly logical, I’d even agree with his sentiment.

Without going too deep into the differences between men and women – and there are many – let me just give you a great general principle when you’re relating to a woman: Think not so much in terms of what is the “right” thing to do, or what is “logical” or what makes sense. Rather, think in terms of what would open the situation up to more love. What would open her heart more, maybe put a smile on her face. That’s a really useful rule of thumb.

I want this episode to be practical, so I’m going to share useable tips, and where relevant, I’ll include some background to deepen the understanding.

The first tip is what I just said is a good general rule of thumb. To focus more on what would open the situation up to more love, than on what is logical and accurate. Like my client above who said, “I don’t think I should have to convince you … “ and so forth. What would have opened that situation up to more love is for him to say, “I love you, honey! I know we’ve had some trouble, but I am here with you, and I’m here for you, and I want to be with you. I’m not letting you go, we can work this out, you and me!”

When she says, “convince me why we should be together”, she’s not looking for a rational reason for sticking together. She’s looking for reassurance that he still likes her, that he still wants her. It’s as if, after every breakdown or disconnect, she needs to know if he chooses her all over again. Women really like feeling chosen, like you picked her out of all the other women you could have chosen, you picked her.

I’ll list the tips below, in short form. Notice there’s more to the story, get the full content by listening to the episode.

Tip #2: Make her feel chosen and special, by doing things like …

  • Speak compliments and acknowledgments
  • Good ole-fashioned chivalry; open doors, pull out chairs, carry her stuff. Note, when you do that, it’s not a statement that she can’t do it herself, of course she can. It’s a mark of honor and respect, a way to say, “I see you”, and “I’m willing to go out of my way for you, even if I don’t know you”

Tip #3: Make her feel held. (Feeling “held” is a somewhat nebulous concept for some, but I promise your woman will know exactly if she feels held or not). Ways to help her feel held …

  • Be with her in emotional situations. Don’t check out, don’t fix, don’t defend, don’t distract, just BE there with her.
  • Take care of things around the house. Whether it’s going to work, or fixing a leaking gutter, those are all examples of “taking care”
  • Do stuff for her. If she’s wanted to move the couch for three months, you do it. Just do it for her.
  • When she enters the room or you see her car coming down the driveway, get up and greet her at the door, or in the driveway. See if she’s got bags you can carry for her. Again, this simple act says, “I see you! I notice you’re here”

Tip #4: Don’t take her emotions personally

  • One of the qualities women consistently tell us they love in their partners is the ability to be with her while she’s having feelings about something. Men often get scared of her emotions, hence try to make them go away.
  • Just be with her, that’s it.
  • No need to repair the situation. Ask, “you want advice, or for me just to listen?”
  • Don’t make about it yourself. Don’t be so self-absorbed to think that every time she feels happy or sad, angry or scared, it has something to do with you.

Tip #5: Pay attention, be “tuned into her”

  • The technical term is Attunement, having a conscious sense of how your partner feels and how she’s doing right now.
  • This concept is critical in sex, where being tuned into her is what tells you when to come in stronger, when to back off, when to be gentle, when to be more forceful, and so on. You know this by paying attention to her body language, eyes, facial expressions, sounds, and sensing her emotions.

Tip #6: Be helpful

  • For some, this might sound like old news. But I can’t tell you how many women have the ongoing complaint that their boyfriend or husband is like “having another kid around.”
  • You DO NOT want your woman to see you as another kid. It’s terrible for your relationship, it’s terrible for your mutual respect, and it’s very terrible for your sex life.
  • Especially if you live with our girlfriend or wife, it’s more than just “being helpful” around the house. It’s a matter of considering the various tasks around the house as YOUR job as well as hers. Sure, you can share the tasks of everyday life and households as you wish, but make sure you take care of business too. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, laundry, lawn mowing, whatever. I promise you the goodwill you harvest from her by you doing simple stuff as food shopping or cleaning the house – without being prompted – will make her love and respect you.

Tip #7:  Take initiative. Do things like …

  • Initiate activities. Simple stuff, go to the movies, out for dinner.
  • Particularly, take initiative around something that pertains to your relationship. Make a date night, buy relationship book and offer to read it together, sign up for a workshop, find a YouTube video with cool relationship tips. In the vast majority of relationships it is still the woman who takes the lead. One way we see this is who reaches out for relationship coaching, or who takes the initiative to come to do a relationship weekend workshop. It is definitely changing so that now more and more men take on that role. These are not numbers I track but based on our ten years of offering workshops and coaching, I’d make the guesstimate that 75% of the time, it’s the woman in a relationship who takes the initiative. And when she’s the one to always initiate date nights, or relationship workshops, or movie night, or getaways, or whatever it is, it’s easy for her to feel lonely, like her guy doesn’t care, and to feel that’s she’s carrying all the weight alone. That breeds resentment, not connection.
  • So one thing you can do is to take initiative. Start something. Arrange a getaway. You buy a ticket for a weekend workshop.

Tip #8: Play with her. Actually, play, period.

  • If you’re a man who’s anything like me, you know you can sometimes be quite serious and somber. Left to my own devices, I don’t really play much. I don’t think too much about having fun. Having fun is not one of the values I reach for in life. That’s not say I don’t like playing and having fun, it’s just that if I don’t put some conscious attention on it, I’ll just work, work, work, and forget about playing.
  • Playing and dancing and other ways of keeping the energy light and fresh between you makes her happy. Makes you happy, too. Even if it’s a stretch to play because you like working so much better, still take time to play, somehow.

Tip #9: Be accountable with your word and your time.

  • In short, that translates to doing what you say you’ll be doing. Showing up when and where you said you’d be showing up. Participating in your relationship in the ways you say will participate. Don’t make agreements you can’t keep. It’s better to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t meet you at 7 because I’m working that night”, than it is to say, “Sure, see you then” and then not show up.
  • I know to some, this sounds like nitpicking and making a big deal of out nothing. But I promise you, it’s not nothing. Every time you say you’ll do something and you don’t, it’s a small breach of trust. With your partner and with yourself. Over time, if this becomes habitual, you’ll stop taking your own word seriously. And when she stops taking your word seriously, it’s not a good situation. You’ll have become a lesser man in her eyes, and what makes her happy is having a man who feels strong and good about himself.
  • So be precise with your word, and do what say you will do.

Like I said in the beginning, some of the actions and tips I’ve shared here today for how to make her happy may sound very simple, so that when you hear them, you go, “Oh yeah, that’s easy, I know that”. But the real question is, are you DOING this?

There’s a very simple method to answer that question. Just look at the woman you are in relationship with and ask you yourself, Is she happy? Is she happy with me? Are WE happy?

Of course her happiness depends on all kinds of factors that are her sole responsibility, but make no mistake, you as her partner can play a very big role in making her happiness easy and abundant, or difficult and elusive.

Hope that was useful, I’ll see you next time.

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