Isn’t it funny how we always put sex and pleasure in relationship last on our list of priorities?
Well, more sad than funny, really.
Sex is last on our list
It’s like anything that feels good only happens after everything else is done – which you may have noticed hardly ever happens! Because in these modern lives we live, we’re just never done with all our chores and responsibilities.
Sex is right up there with watching sunsets and smelling flowers, taking a walk barefoot in the grass or picking blackberries and making a pie, running through sprinklers, roasting marshmallows and singing around the campfire, painting a picture or swimming at night.
These are the kind of fun, memorable pleasure activities that nourish your soul and make life worth living. But for some reason, we tend to put pleasure off.
We say …
– Not today.
– I’m too tired.
– I have a headache.
– I have to get up early.
– I don’t want to miss that TV show.
– I need sleep
And then two years go by. Then four. Then ten.
Then there we are, stuck in a rut we never consciously created, but too shy or uncomfortable to “unstick” ourselves.
In our optics, sex matters! Even if you pretend it doesn’t. Perhaps especially if you pretend it doesn’t.
The world renowned sex expert, Dr. Ian Kerner, said, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”
Not only does a lack of sexual intimacy make your relationship vulnerable, we have also observed in many couples and individuals that when there is a lack of flow in terms of sexual pleasure, it’s often accompanied by a lack happiness, lessened physical well-being, less harmony in work relationships.
Sexual intimacy impacts your life
Often, when you can get your sex life moving again, other aspects of your life and relationship will get moving too.
We have experienced this many times. For example, when my husband and I are feeling out of flow in our work, we might take a break and go make love. Often, while we are having great sex, the phone will ring with a new client!
So if you aren’t having sex, or your sex is flat and predictable, do whatever it takes to recharge your sexual energy and get it moving again!
Get new input
Take a relationship class, attend a sexuality workshop (we offer a sexuality workshop), watch an educational sex film (we have several great ones we can recommend), read a sex book or two, or schedule a sex date for yourself. If that it takes is a calendar entry, do that! And listen to our podcast episode How to Have High Transcendental Sex here …
Now, if you haven’t had sex in ten years it may feel completely out of reach to get that fiery ball set in motion again. But rest assured, it is not impossible.
Sylvia and Bill came to our sex training pretty resigned and discouraged. They hadn’t had sex for 10 years. Here is what they said two days later:
“We came home and made love for several hours. After a ten-year dry spell we’re finally back on track and excited about having love in our life again and Oh My God, not only that, we’re just thrilled with our lives!”.
Another couple hadn’t had good sex for three years. They said the chemistry was gone. They “just didn’t feel IT” anymore. By Sunday afternoon they were all over each other and said with a big grin, “We’re not sure we’ll even make it to the car!”.
Tamara, a single woman said that the course threw her “Catholic girl” out the window. Two months later she created the relationship of her dreams and came back to repeat the workshop with her new boyfriend.
For Scott and Suzanne, who hadn’t been sexual for 10 years, weekly scheduled pleasure sessions were an easy and safe way for them to re-introduce sex into their relationship.
What’s a pleasure session?.
A pleasure session is a time set aside for pleasure. One person gives and one person receives. The receiver tells the giver what he or she likes and guides the giver with positive appreciation. .
For some people who haven’t been sexual for years, having intercourse or genital play of any kind can feel too scary and too big a stretch. So pleasure sessions can be a nice bridge. Take turns giving each other a foot rub or back massage and gradually incorporating the rest of the body can be a nice way to reintroduce pleasure and sexual intimacy.
Change is uncomfortable
Now, I want to be honest with you. Overcoming uncomfortable feelings, inertia and nonsexual habits can be quite difficult to do on your own. That is why I always recommend you take a sexuality class from a reputable relationship trainer or sex instructor. I know you might think you shouldn’t need help with your sex life and you should be able to figure it out on your own.
But think about it. Whatever you have been doing, you have been doing for a long time. What you have been doing for a long time stems from conditioned thinking. You have to get some new ideas, and permission to think new thoughts and open yourself to some new possibilities if you are to successfully change your sexual experience.
When you branch out and expose yourself to new possibilities for sex, you will open windows that have been slammed shut for years.
I’m not talking just about different positions and strokes here, though that can be fun. I am talking how to have the kind of deep spiritual, connecting, out of this world blissful sex you dream about!
There are a lot of great sex classes where you don’t have to take off your clothes, breathe heavy or divulge sex secrets either! Some of them you can even do from home!
So reach out. Get support. Take a class. Watch an educational sex movie. Contact us and ask about support.
Make nourishing your soul and body a priority. Put pleasure at the top of your list. Or, at the very least, on to the list.
Today is a good day to start:-)
It is not too late to revitalize your sex life, and in the process you might just revitalize your own vital energy and your relationship.