NLP maintains that we each have a particular strategy that must be followed for us to feel motivated, loved, scared, relieved, etc… and that once you know what that strategy is, you can consciously use that strategy to elicit desired emotional states. You can use awareness of your own and other’s love strategy to heighten your experience of love and intimacy.
Our love strategy is comprised of different modalities. We each have a unique love strategy, comprised of a certain look, touch, phrase or behavior, which when displayed will almost certainly have us feel loved.
When we are first in relationship, we are showering our partner with love and adoration in all forms:
– Visual (showing them by buying them things or looking in eyes
– Auditory (telling them we love them in many ways)
– Kinesthetic (touching them in many different ways)
We invariably hit on their love strategy. Over time however, we tend to convey our love to others by doing the same things to or for them that have us feel loved. As a result, we can go years expressing our love to one another without anyone ever feeling really loved. The person might “know” they are loved, but not really “feel” loved. (Another popular concept that points to this is the 5 Love Languages)
To discover your love strategy, do the following exercise:
Remember a time in your life when you felt loved. A specific time. Feel, see and hear everything you felt, saw and heard then. Be IN the experience (as opposed to observing yourself from a distance).
What was it that had you feel totally loved in this instance?
Was the person showing you by:
Buying you things
Taking you places
Going out of their way to do something for you or looking at you a certain way?
Was the person telling you in a certain way? And if so, what were they saying?
Or was the person touching you in a certain way?
If more than one of these modalities was used, discover which is most important to you by taking away one at a time in your mind and asking yourself if you would still feel loved.
You may actually find that you like two modalities at once, or one following the other. Slow it down and break it down to discover your love strategy.
Recall specifically how the person was showing, telling or touching you.
Show your partner exactly how you know you are loved, and have him or her copy you until she or he is able to have you feel loved. This way, you educate each other about what produces the special feeling of love for you and for your partner and you give it to each other.
Also see our blog post, Love & Giving in Relationship here …