One of the benefits of Covid has been having more time to read books. I’d gotten so used to only consuming books through audio, but during the quiet hours of the day, I’ve taken to reading again (I still love reading books, yeah:-)
Lately, I’ve read Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, the autobiography of Malcolm X, and Dear America: Notes Of An Undocumented Citizen by Jose Antonio Vargas.
Whatever you might think of these authors, they all have something in common. They all took a stand for something. They were willing to spend endless hours working for their convictions and towards their dreams, risking everything in the process.
Now, most of us won’t ever have to struggle to the degree these pioneers did (at least I’ve always thought my own struggles paled in comparison). But one thing Sonika & I have always aimed for and tried to share with our clients is the idea that we can bring our peak performance, our very best, our commitment and total dedication, to our relationships.
Perhaps you have areas in your life where you have to bring on your best. If you do sports, you know the feeling of being “in the zone” while you play. At work, you know the experience of being completely “ON” for a presentation to a group of important people, or doing a great job on some project just under deadline.
In those moments of being “in the zone” you display certain aspects of yourself, such as elevated presence (being completely aware of yourself, your body, as well as your surroundings and other people), razor sharp focus on your task, and economic use of energy and expression.
Once the ride or the presentation is over, you relax your focus and go back to your “normal” state, which doesn’t require nearly as much focus.
Ten years ago, social psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Matthew Killingsworth conducted a study that basically confirms that most of us are “checked out” a good bunch of the time (as reported here in Psychology Today). “It turns out that just under half the time, 46.9% to be exact, people are doing what’s called ‘mind wandering’. Unfortunately … this activity doesn’t make us feel happy.
Researchers found that people were at their happiest when making love, exercising, or engaging in conversation. They were least happy when resting, working, or using a home computer.
People reported that they mind wandered no less than 30% of the time, during everything except lovemaking. And here’s the kicker: people report being unhappy during mind wandering. Something that we do nearly half the time makes us unhappy!”
What would you guess is the impact on your relationship when you are “mind wandering”, or checked out?
- You feel bored and disengaged in your own relationship
- Your partner complains and nags at you because they sense you are not “there”
- Your partner and/or kids don’t get to see the best of you.
- You feel unhappy and that has negative ripple effects on your loved ones
- And perhaps most problematic, you have more problems!
Why more problems? Because when your mind wanders on its own, it’s like a car without a driver or an unruly child without adult supervision. When you let your mind drift on its own, experience tells us it will find things that are wrong, that don’t work, and that you don’t like.
In relationship, that means you see more of your partner’s irritating habits. You become more concerned with what he or she is doing or not doing, giving or not giving. You hear more criticisms than affirmations. The wandering mind, with adult supervision, leans negative.
Relationships are no different than any other area of your life where you want to be successful. It takes presence. It takes focus. It takes being a life-long learner. Mind wandering seems easy, but as the study suggests, it doesn’t make us happy. Only during lovemaking were people present, focused and connected. Fortunately, that lovemaking “zone” of presence and aliveness can be expanded beyond the bedroom to other areas of your relationship and life.
It has always been a foundational part of The LoveWorks Solution to be keenly present in your relationship and to use every challenge that comes along as a means to be an even better version of yourself.
In one particular powerful experiential process, we connect you with your Full Potential – the version of you that is the most powerful, loving, grounded, patient, compassionate, sensual … the very best version you can possibly imagine – and we show you how to minute by minute, use this vision to call you forth to be your best self in relationship!
As an example, Sonika had a couple come in for private coaching, we’ll call them Aaron and Kamila. They each had a list of complaints to present about their relationship. After Kamila had launched into all the things she was unhappy about, Sonika guided them through one of the simple exercises we teach. As they sat there, deeply connected and present with each other, Kamila said through tears, “Everything I want is right there in your eyes”.
When you know how to stop your mind wandering and step into the “zone” of your relationship, you will be surprised to discover that half your issues will simply evaporate. The other half, the issues you still need to work on, will have a much higher shot of success when addressed by two people who are committed to being and bringing out the best in each other.
We have created a 90-minute mini-workshop that will walk you through how to identify and express the best parts of you and your partner (or your daughter or father or co-worker). In the process you’ll learn the most detrimental mistake that all people in relationship make, and how to transform it. This is foundational learning for creating the best possible relationship.
It’s the perfect antidote to being “checked out”. Learn more here. https://loveworkssolution.com/in-love-again-how-to-bring-out-the-best/
We hope to see you there!
We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more visit us at loveworkssolution.com or call us at 530-878-3893.